Monday, August 18, 2008

Headline Post

You know who you are. :)


Janiece Murphy said...

Local Chemist Arrested in Shooting Death of Jehovah's Witness

Local Chemist John the Scientist was arrested yesterday in connection with the shooting death of Jehovah's Witnesses.

Based on eye-witness testimony, the Witnesses apparently approached the home of the suspect on Saturday, carrying Jehovah's Witness material published in Chinese. The solicitors ignored the "No Trespassing" signs, and approached the home, hoping to convert John the Scientist and his family.

The Witnesses were then asked to leave the property. What occurred next appears to be somewhat confused, but Crime Scene Investigators report the presence of pro-Communist brochures in the Witness's materials. When the dust cleared, one Witness was dead, another was injured, and the suspect was standing over the bodies with a Shotgun, wearing a coon-skin cap.

The suspects wife, who was also home at the time of the incident, refused to comment when asked to do so.

John the Scientist will be defended by Public Defender Eric _______, who will serve Pro Hac Vice.

While being hauled off to the Hoose-Gow, John the Scientist was heard to be muttering, "I have a Ph.D in Chemistry! I shouldn't be in prison!"

Nathan said...

Obscure Anonymous Scientist Publishes Findings That Prove Conclusively That He Doesn't Exist

This reporter has interviewed numerous witnesses who claim to have personally met with the O.A.S., but their descriptions were all at odds with each other.

Since releasing his findings, O.A.S. has been unavailable for comment.

In other news, someone has cornered the market on Durian fruit in all Eastern Provinces of China. There is widespread panic. Government officials cryptically said, "A fair wind, not unlike the fart of goats, passes throughout the land, but unmet on the bus."

Matt Warnock said...

Scientist Tracking Tropical Storm Fay Actually Controlls Storm's Movements

John the Scientist said...

Matt - CW is the storm tracker. :)

Of course, my dad was a meteorologist, so if you want to get all supernatural on us like the Enquirer.. :p

Eric said...

(Two for the price of one: cross-posted at Nathan's place:)


Feds Seek Chemist For Questioning In 'Poisoned Mail' Case

Washington, DC Spokespersons for the FBI and U.S. Postal Service announced a major breakthrough in their investigations of allegedly toxic substances sent through the U.S. mails.

Details concerning the two victims have not been released at this time, but authorities have confirmed that the victims received a package of lark's vomit and a package of some inedible substance disguised as cookies.

"It turns out both the victims knew the people we believe sent them the dangerous and toxic packages," said Special Agent Brian DeFezio at a press conference Friday. "They're members of an organization of a dozen or more people who are obsessed with some pretty far-out literature and go by an obscure acronym that describes them as 'Founders,' probably a reference to their intent to overthrow the government."

He added, "While our main suspect at this time is a chemist with the know-how and opportunity to send these through the U.S. mails, we suspect there was an accomplice who has allegedly been observed photographing buildings in the New York City area. We do not believe any further attacks are iminent, however."

The spokespeople would not speculate as to the motive or next target of attack.

"Look, people," said U.S. Postal Inspector Suzanne Macintire, "at this point we are not ready to go to the Grand Jury. These two suspects are merely 'persons of interest' wanted for further questioning." She then advised the second suspect was possibly disguising himself as some kind of "teak bench" while engaging in suspicious activity, but refused to elaborate.

Anyone with additional information is advised to contact the appropriate authorities.

Random Michelle K said...

My headlines are up at my place.

Sorry John, but you don't fare much better than than you do here.

Jeri said...

The Internet personality calling himself as "John the Scientist" was revealed yesterday to be known misfit and celebrity stalker John Scalvi. Passing himself off as a scientist, martial artist, polyglot and world traveler, teenage John actually spent most of his days in his mother's basement, subsisting on a diet of Little Debbie's snack cakes and warm Mountain Dew.

When asked about her son, John's mother replied, "I'm sure he would like to be able to do all those things - have lunch with famous Hollywood personalities, marry a celebrated retired Chinese spy, discover a cure for the common cold, run sub-four minute miles. He's just my little Johnnie, he's always been quite the imaginative computer geek."

John could not be reached for comment, however, investigators noted a UPS driver delivering several cases of ammunition along with a complete set of the Power Rangers DVDs to John's address this morning.

Random Michelle K said...

And... it's Jeri for the win!